Primeval - belated review.

It's been sitting on my PVR for months now and I've only just found enough time to get through the series (all six episodes). I didn't want to comment until I'd seen it all because I wanted to see if it could possibly get any worse in later episodes... it did. It's dire, seriously barge poles at the ready. Unlike Hot Fuzz which took the Big Book of Clichés and made them funny, Primeval doesn't see the joke. Try the cast for one.

The lead character is a professor of Archaeology. He's Scottish, therefore dour, and his main two expressions are 'I'm constipated' and 'Someone's just kicked me in the crotch'. His wife disappeared under strange circumstances eight years ago; could it be connected to the recent events he's investigated; well could it?

Next is his lab assistant who's good at tracking and surprising familiar with firearms, he tends to look out over the middle distance and assume a blank Zen-like state, either that or he's been sucking on the tranquilliser darts.

Then we have one of the Dour Scot's students, his main task is to make all the mistakes and do all the stupid things that Dour Scot and Zen Master can't be seen to do. We know he's quirky, as he wears a hat, and geeky in that he likes science-fiction and plays on a games console. He's also in possession of an alien laptop (in that we never see it switched on or off or plugged into any form of power supply) on which is a complete database of extinct creatures complete with colour photographs (no doubt taken by the aliens). He alternates between 'Really scared' and 'gormless smile'.

Lizard girl's up next, who proves that despite having a slightly intellectual nerdy profession you can still have a wardrobe full of midriff revealing tops. She switches between 'I'm being serious' to 'Dropped jaw surprise/shock/amazement'. I'd also love to know how she can afford that apartment on a zoo keeper's salary.

The government's represented by a male superior who's more interested in the big picture and can seem quite callous, and the female underling who goes out on the field exercises and tries to counteract her superior's callousness (even writing this is making me ill)

Finally we get the Special Forces who you can identify by them all wearing black (regardless of the surroundings) and carrying guns. Watching them perform I wouldn't trust them to Operation Child's Lost Teddy Bear.

I've missed out Dour Scot's wife, Helen, on the grounds that she seems to be the only one with any acting ability and decent lines.

Of course we can't just have a programme based on Science Fiction, oh no we've got to mix in some personal stuff. So Dour Scot and Ministry Women are becoming attracted to each other, Student Boy fancies Lizard Girl who fancies Zen Master; Ministry Man fancies himself and no doubt the Special Forces fancy each other.

To appeal to the typical male audience let's create multiple situations where Lizard Girl (Hannah Spearritt) wanders around in her underwear. Might have worked on me except for the warring emotions of nausea at recognising the ploy for what it was and the desire to feed her a decent meal. Ministry Women (Lucy Brown) looked more alluring in a business suit and Helen (Juliet Aubrey) was a fox in her survival togs.

As you can see I haven't even got to the plot yet and it's looking hopeless. The plot is simple - holes in time leading to the 'land of the dinosaurs' some of whom are coming through and making a mess of modern-day Britain, let's try to keep it all quiet. The difficulty was it was trying to be deadly serious and then making obvious amateur mistakes, and that combination really pushes my buttons the wrong way.

Events: 'The anomaly has appeared in the sky here, therefore it must be in the sky in the past too.' Umm why?
Likewise 'The anomaly is in the water in the past, therefore must appear in water here' err.
It's a hole in time, don't bother getting in physicists to examine it, nope use the Special Forces kit and let Student Boy handle things, after all he's got a laptop. Besides who better to be the lead team in this event then two archaeologists, an archaeology student and a zoo keeper?

Dialogue: "That's just a conjecture" "Yes, but I'm right" geearggh!

Procedure: 'We've no idea what's on the other side of the anomaly except something dangerous has come through it, therefore we'll send Dour Scot and the head of the Special Forces team over to have a wander around.' Shout if you get eaten.

'We need to keep this quiet, so barge into that estate and march up that block of flats all dressed in black brandishing automatic weaponry and all in full view of that bunch of kids who are playing football' Yeah hi newsdesk?

Bad characters, bad dialogue, meh special effects (the anomaly was pretty) ragged plot, and little grounding in reality despite the attempt.

Perhaps the worrying thing was that the last episode wasn't too bad (at least compared to the previous five), but it did end on a cliffhanger that might mean a second season was in the offing... noooooo!