These films are now classified 18

In a move calculated to remove any sense of proportion from the minds of our children Liverpool council have reclassified every B& W war movie ever made with an 18 certificate due to the prevalence of smoking contained within them.

A batty spokesperson from a government lobbying firm pretending to be an independent charity defended this barmy notion with "Not only do these films show people smoking, but do so in a way that shows they enjoy it and find it a pleasant social experience. The consequences of this on young malleable minds is unimaginable" On discussions regarding child-safe cuts of the movies they then added that "of course they can keep in the bits about carpet bombing cities and denigrating the Germans, just take out the mind-warping scenes involving smoking"

Also up for the reclassification are Disney's "Mary Poppins" and "Alice in Wonderland" both of which the spokesperson spat venom over "Can you believe that they allowed one of the main characters not only to smoke a pipe, but to sing about how much he enjoyed it? It's disgusting. As as for that caterpillar in Alice. I sat my 5 year-old son in front of the film and played that scene over and over again in slow motion and asked him 'Do you want to smoke now?' each time until he burst into tears and cried, I think that shows the power that this sort of filth can have on a young impressionable mind".

A spokesperson for the fictitious "under-18" organisation made a statement that normally they "wouldn't be caught dead watching this old s***" but that since the reclassification it's become a "badge of honour" to have snuck into a re-screening of "In Which We Serve".