Growing Business magazine

[Note I couldn't even spell Business heh]

The latest June 2009 copy of Growing Business magazine just landed on the desk. Front cover headings include "Advertising in a Slump" and The Art of Negotiation"...hmm:

"So you want me to advertise with you at a time that the majority of businesses are cutting back... dance advertising boy, dance."There you go both subjects in one fell swoop.

Inside front advert "Higher performance shouldn't waste your energy" yeah I get spam with that sort of heading.

Peugeot Fleet have a two page spread of a desert with some camels and a car snuck in the line because their "record-breaking 308 goes a long, long way to reducing running costs" apparently it has an average fuel consumption of 90.7mpg impressive and fuel economy of below 130g/km for CO2 emissions. Hmm the small print under the photo tells me the official figures (so those after aren't official?) the combined mpg is 41.5-62.7 with the highest figure being the Extra Urban (presumably when you're stuck in a queue) at 53.2- 74.34 mpg; which makes me wonder where the 90.7 mpg figure came from. CO2 is 120-180 g/km which makes that 130 quoted a little towards the limit of those figures.

"If I ruled the world we'd all get a little bit more for our money. Actually we'd get a lot more." How exactly would that be Mr Vodafone? Ah that'd be through your fixed price plan where all calls are free. Small print is tucked up the top of the page next to the binding oh look those unlimited free calls are "subject to a fair use policy" oh and of course there's a minimum term contract that doesn't tell us what the minimum is.

Editor's Letter that I would read if the chiselled good looks displayed in the artsy B&W photo of said editor didn't want to make me punch him repeatedly.

Flicking through. Oo "Coors acquires Cobra in £14m pre-pack" was that a special offer at the supermarket?

Advert-"How Royal Mail helped Silver Cross thrive" never heard of them - oh apparently Royal Mail helped them "develop and distribute 'The Little Book of Silver Cross', a key part of their marketing strategy" bet you didn't know the Royal Mail were business consultants too.

The Oli Barret Column about following up networking contacts. I'd be more ready to listen to his advice except regarding hundreds of coloured balls (funfair pit style) he'd acquired "[...] I considered using them to conduct a social experiment. Perhaps I would write an email address on each ball and scatter them around the city?" yeah I wish you had done at, what, £50 a time for littering I would have enjoyed seeing that.

Advert - Renault "Our range of sub 140 g/km models can meet everyone's expectations." What everyone's? Gosh I bet Tom would like that Megane Coupé so stylish, and "Safia might feel more comfortable in a Laguna Hatch" sorry are saying Safia's fat? "Mr Khan needs the new Scénic. His wife is pregnant again" oh so it's Tom and Safia but it's Mr Khan - power to the people. "enough to meet the needs of every Tom, Dick or Harriet" or Tom, Safia, or Mr Khan presumably. Combined mpg is 28.2-64.2 mpg with emissions of 117-248 g/km ouchie kind of a big spread there.

Advert - Volvo "Is your fleet getting enough smiles per gallon?" Anyone noticing a theme here? Oo fuel consumption of "up to 57.6mpg" yeah we all know about 'up to' thank you very much. Combined is 72.4- 47.1 mpg so getting worse? Anyway why not 'up to' 72.4? Emissions 104-159 g/km better than Renault then?

Column from David Soskin about what the UK requires to produce it's own Google. Less regulation and less tax oh and a quintupling of our population and 37x increase in our area to turn us into the USA pffut yeah right less regulation and lower taxes never going to happen.

Advert- Brother "Now with A4 double-sided printing" oh dear they think that deserves a faux fold down page corner to recommend their A3 multi-function printer? Oo it does have "one touch wireless set-up" wow they can break WPA security keys?

Advert - Department for Innovation, Universities & skills. No sorry I'm not going to even look I'm gob-smacked that such a department even exists.

Feature on Tim Smit he of The Eden Project which I'll read later at my leisure.

Feature "White sells" so this'd be the BNP then? No it's about white-label goods.

The rest of the magazine excites little comment.