Needless information

The water bill for the business arrived this morning along with Issue 9 of "Source" Severn Trent's newsletter, hmm how much of our bill is going towards the creation of this? More to the point why do we even have this?

I can understand a company producing a newsletter about how great it is and how great its products are if there was a chance that you could get those same products somewhere else. Oddly enough water is a regional monopoly; I can't specify I want Anglian Water coming through my pipes and for them to process my sewerage. So what purpose does a newsletter serve?

Title page and "In this issue" we're told about what to do if you have difficulty paying, how to reduce your water bill, and how to pay your water bill; anyone spotting a theme here? We also find out that "Your tap water tickles expert tastebuds" no I think that would be your tap water, strictly speaking it's not ours until we pay for it. Oh and we can win a year's free pass for two at the Sea Life Centre; what you couldn't splash out (no pun intended) on a family pass?

Page 2- How to contact us and how to report a leak; otherwise known as how to pay us and how to have your roads dug up for a week then re-dug up a week later to fix something they broke while fixing the first problem.

Page 3 - Independent charity The Green Thing does a blind taste test of tap water. Supposedly this is a green thing to encourage us to drink tap water and not bottled water that has to be shipped in etc. A quick search shows that this was called the Drink Tap event. This featured Michelin-starred chef Tom Aikens.

Now watch carefully - this is from Severn Trent Water's own site and lists the top ten tasting waters which corresponds exactly to the list printed in the newsletter. This is from the BBC news site. Note from the SWT site that the water is described as "beautifully pure" "clean taste and very fresh" quotes both used in the newsletter. Now on the BBC site the quotes are "clean taste", "very fresh" and "beautifully pure".

I think we can draw the conclusion that they're talking about the same event. So the date of the BBC story - 31 July 2008. So a new drink taste test has been held the judges have run out of quotes, or SWT are using old quotes for a new test, or SWT are presenting a year old taste test as something new. Gee I just don't know which one rings true.

Page 4 - "You can get help with water bills" Yeah you can spread the cost, or have a water meter fitted; we wants our money. Oh okay there's also the Trust Fund if you're in serious difficulty.

Page 5 - "WaterSure" yes I'm sure that's water, oh not that?

WaterSure is a special scheme for customers with a meter who use large amounts of water due to a medical condition or a low income

Why would having a low income cause me to use large amounts of water? Oh you mean metered customers with a medical condition or a low income who use large amounts of water; why didn't you say that?

Page 6 & 7 - "Investing for your future" what have you turned into a bank? A financial services agency? Oh you're telling us that the average 83p per day you receive isn't just pure profit "it's all about investing" A nice big pie chart shows 64p goes to maintenance and improvement as well as day-to-day running costs. Shall I point out that they've split maintenance and improvement into water network and waste water network to create four pie slices which still appear to add up to less than 50% of that 64p - nah.

But what about that remaining 19p? 3p goes on tax, 8p to the shareholders and 8p on interest for borrowings. Borrowings? "For every £2 of profit [wait I didn't see profit in that pie chart], we invest £3 in the business. Where, you might ask [I certainly do], does this extra miney come from? Put simply, the extra funds come from borrowing."

So rather than charge us directly you're putting it on the never-never. Oh but that's okay as SWT "is regraded as having a good credit rating by the banks" and those banks never change their minds go off the deep-end and try to claw in every debt owing to them do they?

We then get a half page of all the wonderful things SWT have done on 83p a day... they should write a book. Chapter one - How to create good works on only 83p a day. First task acquire over 3 million people willing to pay you 83p per day. I think it'd be a best-seller.

Page 8 - "Get online in 2009" yeah you Luddites, oh you mean visit the SWT site gosh there's so much I can do there I can - pay my bill, give them a reading, change my address or apply for a meter. Hell yeah that's going on my daily favourites list.

Page 9 - "Education Services" Obviously important as it's crammed into the top third of the page above the competition. Apparently they have over 20,000 visitors per year at their education centres ... and the number of those being children forced to go on a school trip? "offers a choice of either half or full day of activities to schools and colleges" Thought so.

Competition time chose two names for these baby turtles, names judged as a pair so if they love the one but hate the other you lose. Winners get a VIP tour, get to feed giant turtles (presumably not feeding themselves to the turtles), an overnight hotel stay, wall plaque (ooooh) and a year's free pass for two people. So is this VIP tour for two people only, what do you do with the kids, do you need to pay extra for them at the centre and hotel, do they get to feed the turtles, do you get to feed them to the turtles?

Just to add insult to injury we then get a coupon for "Kids go free" which is actually untrue as "This offer is valid for one free child admission when accompanied by a full paying adult" so that's Kid goes free.

Page 10 - "From sink to sewer" the biography of a SWT executive? No? Shame that could have been an interesting read. It's about not pouring fat down the sink as it clogs everything up, except it's not just fats it's "fats, oils and greases (FOG)." most people don't know this "but FOG quickly soldifies when it hits the cool walls of the sewer" oh god I'm having trouble not laughing. Anyway get your free Fat Trap by calling a number or visiting their site. Tcch couldn't they have called it a FOG Trap [snigger].

Page 11 - "Make savings all year round!" Well I wasn't sure, but that exclamation point's sold me. Split between the seasons so Spring:

"Collect April showers in a water butt [but just the April showers mind, none of that dirty, dirty May shower water] then use the water for your garden in the coming months." Damn that must be a lot of showers in April.

"Asparagus, broad beans and carrots are all in season. Prepare your vegetables in a bowl of water rather than under a running tap." Um okay I'm lost the first sentence relates to the second how exactly?

Summer:

"Summer's arrived [yeah as if] A sprinkler can use up to 20 litres of water a minute - why not use a watering can to water your garden plants?" Because it takes forever, I have to take multiple trips back and forth from my water butt and the can seems to get heavier and heavier each time; what are you stupid?

"Older toilet cisterns can use over nine litres of water every flush. Use a save-a-flush device and you'll save one litre each flush" woah a whole one litre; I guess it can add up,but a whole litre!

Autumn:

"Back to school [um I don't think so] and lots of uniforms to wash! [Hey that's supposed to be a private kink] Do you have a water efficient washing machine to do the job? Remember; only switch it on when full, that way you'll save water and money on your energy bill!" But don't most modern machines sense load and adjust automatically?

"23 per cent of the average energy bill is used for heating water to bathe and shower. Why not try having a shorter water efficient shower" Because I'm quite tall and don't think I'd fit under a shorter shower, water efficient or not.

Winter:

"Merry Christmas [and there goes the Jews, the Muslims, the atheists...] Make sure you keep your pipes warm this Christmas [despite the colder months normally being after this time] as frozen pipes can lead to bursts. And replace worn washers on dripping taps; a leaky tap can waste up to 30 litres of water a day." But remember only to replace those washers during the Winter.

Advert time - 190litre water butt, aerated showerhead, save-a-flush, hand-pump pressure washer; no prices!

Page 12 -"Our service standards" Yes folks it's dense text time - yippee everyone's favourite part to read.

Page 13, 14 & 15 - "Your questions answered" More text though in the style of Dear Abby - Dear Abby "How can I find a plumber?" or a good women? Dear Abby "How do I know if a Severn Trent Water visitor is genuine?" or are they just leading me on? Then again Dear Abby, "Who can I talk to about your services?" "What services do you offer to customers with individual needs?" and do you charge extra for whips and chains? Oh gods talk about context one of the next ones is "Will you safeguard my details?" oh I shouldn't laugh.

Final page - "A day out with a difference" yes you to can visit one of SWTs visitor sites, didn't we do that already, oh wait that was education centres. These sound more fun with a Stomp the bacteria experience.

So what was the point of that newsletter, other than to amuse me (and hopefully you) - beat's me it's not as if I can stop using them because they've printed that they use the funds to burn down orphanages and kick puppies.