All surprises today

The news has been so unpredictable today - first up is Nick Clegg denying that there was a cover-up over sexual misconduct. Personally I thought he was going to stand up and declare that he'd known all about this and did his best to make sure no-one else would.

The Academy award winners were also a big surprise. For the award to "Best film that makes America look great against evil foreigners" was a toss-up between the two French films and two films that made parts of America look bad and Argo. Best Pretentious Method Actor in a serious American film was also a toughie, but ended up going to the most pretentious method actor in a serious film.

Best actress in a serious role dealing with serious issues looked like it was going to Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty except that had nasty bits in it that made the good guys look kinda bad so they switched to the serious film dealing with serious issues that didn't and thus Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook.

Best Actress in an uncomfortable role went to the prostitute Anne Hathway for pretending to be French; and Most famous person singing a song went to the most famous person to sing a song for a movie.

All in all a total shock

North Korea launchs Twinkie hunting satellite

News just in that North Korea have launched their Twinkie hunting satellite ahead of schedule. The official broadcaster had this to say:

As was reported yesterday the first step of our great and glorious Twinkie hunt suffered some technical difficulties that would have prevented the launch. This was a ruse designed by our great and glorious leader to catch the perfidious Westerners off-guard. Who could consider that our technologically supreme country could suffer such? Only the jealous foreigners.

It is therefore with pride that I announce the launch of the world's first satellite. Hand-crafted by our glorious leader with super-advanced sensors to detect the elusive Twinkie.

As all our countrymen know the Twinkie recipe was formulated by our great leader in a moment of introspection as to be the perfect fuel source for a being such as himself that functions at such an elevated level. The formula was stolen by traitors and sold to a foreign company called Hostess, who in a fit of remorse and recognising the genius beyond the creation, regularly shipped crates of the fuel to our glorious leader's modest home.

However in shocking news the company is being shut down due to, as one spokesperson stated,"the pressures placed upon us by our decadent government and the traitorous leaders of the Southern areas of Korea who are jealous of Kim Jong Un's proficiency and genius all in the misguided hopes that this will slow down such a towering intellect".

Instantly our great and glorious leader put his genius to work developing a system that would detect Twinkies using state-of-the-art obesity sensors that would highlight the results of Twinkie abuse by those not blessed with his magnificent constitution. The launch has shown rampant abuse of this fuel source fit for the gods in decadent America indicating stock piles of his most worthy creation and our glorious leader has demanded that the tribute be reinstated.

Until our demands are met citizens are asked to contribute any and all food stuffs to meet our great leader's requirements and soldiers have already rounded up many volunteers who have been placed on a hunger strike until the situation is resolved.

Glory to our Leader.

Irrelevant person appointed to irrelevant position

Today some person you've never heard of has been appointed to a position you didn't know was vacant and will be now be instrumental in telling everyone exactly what his invisible friend says we should all be doing.

Romney - "why don't horse come with ladders?"

At a recent party US Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney apparently asked "Why don't horse come with ladders?" prompting a large internet response.  The full transcript is apparently as follows:

"So I was out for a quick chukka and at the end of play all my staff rushed out to kneel down so my team and I could all dismount. As I wondered how I could fire them all I thought 'horses should have ladders!'. Why don't horses come with ladders?"

Aides to Mr Romney were quick to point out that this was a joke and that Mr Romney did indeed understand why horses didn't come with ladders. "It's because Adam and Eve were much taller than we are today, so God didn't have to add them to horses to help them mount"

Some women kisses some man; not her boyfriend

[From the news studio]

Tom: Breaking news some women in Los Angeles has been caught kissing some man; who isn't her boyfriend! Why are we even bothering to cover this Tom?

Tom: Well Tom turns out that all involved are famous so we'll turn to Tom who is live with a fan. Tom.

Tom: Thanks Tom I'm here with a fan of the celebrities in question, how do you feel?

Fan: I can't believe that Bella would do this to Edward after all the things they've been through together.

Tom: I thought their names were Kristen and Robert?

Fan: Huh?

Tom: Back to Tom in the studio.

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The Tom and Katie divorce

Is religious upbringing a legitimate reason to press for a divorce? With the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes situation it has been suggested that we have one parent worried about the the other pressing their child into a religion that they themselves may have no faith in. A religion that is almost constantly in the news regarding their methods of indoctrination; the activities of its leaders and its apparent blind worship of one man whose word is apparently law.

Given that neither parent wishes to compromise by keeping things secular; perhaps divorce is the only option. I mean I can certainly see why Tom would be worried about Katie having enrolled their daughter in a Catholic school.

Seriously though check the media and it's all about how Katie doesn't want Tom getting their daughter involved in the 'crazy' religion that is Scientology, but nothing about how Katie is getting their daughter involved in the 'crazy' religion of Catholicism.

As has been said many a time "The difference between cult and religion is just a matter of time."

[Update - Daily Mash]

The New No2AV poster advert

Well they haven't quite sunk this low yet but give them time.

Sad Puppy photo used under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic from Clay Hackett http://www.flickr.com/photos/hackett/159428076

Wikileaks: US lawmakers demand countries to disband military

In a shock turn of events lawmakers on Capitol Hill demanded that the President remove the military from every other country in the world. One senator stated "Other countries having military personal that aren't in our control is an obvious threat to our national security". Another asked "How did this happen, surely it must have been done in an illegal manner?".

With Homeland Security stepping up its efforts senators ask why they seem so able to enact laws that prevent activities occurring in the United States yet seem unable or perhaps unwilling to pass laws that are to be enforced in other countries.

"Some countries think they can even create their own laws without having them ratified by Washington!", exclaimed one senator. "And that's just wrong"

In related news senators recently voted to raise their salary by "one flying pig". When asked where such may be obtained one senator stated "That's not our problem, we just want one. Make it happen".


For those who haven't been following the news, idiots respected lawmakers are calling for a foreign citizen hosting a website in a foreign country to be shut down and arrested because they don't like it and complaining when everyone ignores them.

Famous people shouldn't be deported

A huge outcry has appeared in the tabloids about the plans to deport someone who has appeared on television. The mother of X-Factor reject Gamu Ngazana has been refused permission to stay in the UK after her visa expired in August; as she is listed as a dependent this would also see Gamu herself being deported.

Crowds have gathered around her home in Clackmannanshire to show support to the family in their bid to stay in the UK all united in the fact that Gamu had appeared on some television show with famous people.

A random spokesman said "It is quite clear from the reaction of the press that Ms. Ngazana is famous and thus normal rules do not apply to either her or her family at least until such time that the press decides that it's unfair that the normal rules don't seem to apply to her."

Ms Ngazana has appeared in the press prior to this for being rejected from said television show while being under the influence of being black.

Science story template

From the Guardian well done; and rather scary how accurate it is.

Portagrief

Does it remain a spoof when you think "I bet someone's trying to make one of those right now"?

Media sensitivity

Sonia shouldn't have to think about Lockerbie today. Her father died in the attack just under 22 years ago although the pain is still there time has healed the wounds. She shouldn't have to think about it today in particular as tomorrow she's getting married. It should be one of the happiest days of her life.

But it's the anniversary of the release of the bomber so we've sent a camera crew around and someone to make her relive all those painful memories and get her opinions on these events all for you to watch.

Seriously though that first sentence is pretty much how the BBC Breakfast report started. I mean did the family themselves contact the media with an eye to stating their piece, or did some office-person get a list and just ring around until they found someone willing to talk about it? It was just that first sentence that had me shouting "Well don't remind her about it then" wow.

Anti-Piracy measures: just imagine the stupidity

Only last year the new SpinIt washing machine was introduced for sale in the UK matched with the new WashIt soap powder, but it seems the Widget company have been having problems with hacking. Their spokesman explained -

"It was a revolutionary idea, we would synergise our new SpinIt product with the WashIt powder to provide a quality experience for the consumer. By incorporating a bar-code scanner into our SpinIt we could ensure that  the soap drawer simply wouldn't operate without swiping a WashIt box past it. Thus ensuring our product could calibrate load, water levels, and temperatures to give a perfect wash."

However is seems this synergy wasn't welcomed by a few of the purchasers of the machine who soon discovered ways to 'hack' the machine. We spoke to one 'hacker' who insisted on anonymity -

"At first it was fine we got really good results from using WashIt, but then the price went up and I mean really went up and soon we were noticing how much our income was being chipped away on soap powder. Then one day I accidentally swiped my old empty WashIt packet in front of the machine instead of the new one and the tray just opened. That's when the thought struck me - so long as I kept an old packet I could use whatever soap powder I liked"

Our informant wasn't the only one who discovered this and message boards across the country lit-up with consumers sharing this handy 'tip'. The Widget company tried to hit back stating that use of third-party soap powders was restricted under their EULA and that anyone found to be using one would have their warranty revoked. Sadly for the company this did little to stem the tide and work began on fixing the problem.

"The difficulty was in distinguishing between an old empty box of WashIt and a new box and as such we've introducing new time-stamped boxes. Each packet of New WashIt will feature a separate bar code that will be used to open the soap drawer along with an expiry date printed prominently at the bottom. This along with the mandatory update firmware update will ensure our consumers won't suffer from substandard cleaning"

When asked why 'hacking' consumers would download this latest patch the spokesman replied

"It'll just download in the background. Sure you can disconnect the machine, but that's pretty much admitting you're breaking our terms and conditions and we'll simply revoke your warranty automatically. Besides, the update comes with some additional features that our loyal customers will be sure to enjoy."

That Liz Jones

Via Angry Mob.

Oh woe is me here I am on a six figure salary and I'm whining that I'm over my overdraft limit and can't afford food and not one of my 'friends' has dropped by with a nice bottle of £50+ wine and an invitation to pay for a trip to a nice spa. Not even an email or a text to acknowledge my plight.

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Millionaires support the Party that makes them money

In a shock twist for the forthcoming general election it turns out that those with large sums of money are supporting the political party that is most likely to let them continue to make large sums of money and keep as much of it as possible.

"Look it's not selfish" said one, "If I make lots of money then by extension so is everyone else. If I put into the banks they have more money to lend out in loans which helps small businesses. If I don't then I'm spending it, on a new Italian sports car or another home in LA and that helps the British economy."

"These pool-boys and dog-walkers need to be paid, I'm creating good poverty-wage level jobs for those willing to obey my every command and stand there soaking up my tantrums when they serve me a drink with ice cubes and not shaved ice like I bloody told you, yes I did, I don't make mistakes you're fired"

"I mean I'm a benefactor to society keeping the money in circulation; it's not as if that huge fortress-like building over there with the gold pound sign on it is filled with money into which I dive and wallow around in on a daily basis"

"The simple fact that I have money means that I'm a contributor I wouldn't have it otherwise would I? You have to have earned it.., or inherited it, or have your parents earn it and send you to a private school where you can rub shoulders with people who'd give you a cushy job later. But anyway it's mine and I deserve to keep as much of it as possible and that's why I want you - the people without lots of money - to vote for this Party. Don't be selfish just think of me and my chums. I promise we'll raise a glass of Cristal to you once we er they are in power"

Choice headlines

Coming up from my Google side bar

"Britain's unhealthy teen girls 'likely to die young'" Healthy ones likely to be okay though.

"Dame Elizabeth Taylor weeps at sight of a bust of Richard Burton" His nose wasn't like that!

"Microsoft shelves Courier" Dear UPS. If you want him back send £20k in unmarked bills to...

"Case prompts mobile crackdown call" but is cancelled when they can't get a signal.

"Knife Attacks Plague Schools in China" China has Plague Schools and sentient knives?

"Belgium's burqa ban plans criticized" We thought you said Burger Van.

"Call of Duty Black Ops revealed - set for November 9 release" So only 193 days to go, start saving up.

"Kylie Minogue shows off her taut wrinkle-free face at charity gala" She found it one of those dusty little antique shops quite the bargain.


"Cheryl Cole: Sometimes I'm skanky " Sometimes?

Dust Cloud 2: The Volcano's Revenge

You almost have to feel sorry for the leaders of the three majority parties. There they are making UK history in the first televised debate ever, and they get bumped off the top slot by a cloud of dust.

Although I understand why they did it, it still would have been nice if the audience could have asked questions if only for someone to comment on this and ask "All this disruption caused by a dust cloud what have you got to say for yourselves?"

Sounds silly, after all what could anyone have done about it? Except remember it's impossible for a politico trying to enter/retain High Office to admit that something, anything is beyond their capabilities to deal with. As such here are my imagined responses:

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Volcanic ash cloud from Iceland

So first their banks lose our money, then they vote not to make the reparations the law requires. Now they're sending over a cloud of ash disrupting our flights just as the Easter holidays are coming to an end and many will [be] attempting to fly back.

I don't think we should stand for this and as such we should declare war on Iceland. At the very least we shouldn't buy anything in their shops.

Mums, don't shop at Iceland.

Diana axed from Royal History

The Daily Express voices its outrage over the new biography of the Queen Mother stating that it was was "condemned as a whitewash" by critics for failing to reference Her Holiness Princess of Hearts Diana on every page. Instead readers were condemned to read boring information about the second biggest crisis to hit the monarchy since Charles I and about the Queen Mother herself rather than titillating gossip about current royal family members.

Purchasers were left in confusion after picking up this 'very heavy newspaper' and finding no gossip, scandal or long-distance photographs of royals up to no good.

John from London told us 'I saw something about Royal on the front and assumed it was a Daily Express special edition featuring a 'what would Diana look like now had she not been murdered' photo. Turns out it's about someone I've never heard off going on about some bird called Simpson and a bloke called Edward Viii who sounds a bit foreign to me with a surname like that, glad he left they should all bleedin' leave shouldn't they'.

Julie from London also stated 'I picked it up for all the juicy gossip and find it was all 50 years out of date how can I impress my friends with my inside knowledge with that?'

Jules from London was also disappointed 'This biography could have been so much better if they cut out the bits about the Queen Mother's life and just filled it with speculation about what she thought about Our Diana's murder, Harry's Nazi uniform, and whether [...] really did get [...] to put his [...] in his mouth'.

British Troops are Dirty and Lazy, says US Chief

In a shocking outburst a US Marine commander denigrated our fine upstanding men and women for their lack of hygiene and the fact they're so lazy they're allowed to go home to visit their families after a six month tour. In a non-existent statement the commander stated "That's why we keep shooting them, we can't tell them apart from them dirty A-rabs" before playful making finger guns and shooting the aghast press corps with little Pow Pow noises.

In a rebuttal the head of the British Armed Forces didn't say "There is obviously some routine rivalry here that has made it into the public sector, but I assure you that... pooh can you smell that [holds nose and makes fanning motion] has someone let an US soldier in here? Careful now everyone if they don't like us then with their gazillion dollar millimetre accurate targeted missile system they might very well take out the building next door"

At which point an aide interjected with "Oo Burn!"