If your car acted like a computer

Strictly speaking 'If your car acting like a certain operating system'. No idea where all this came from, it just appeared in my head while taking a shower. Feel free to add your own in the comments.


Switching on your wipers will turn on your headlights, switching off your wipers will not turn off your headlights; this is a safety feature and can only be disabled by rewiring your engine.

Every seat comes with full car controls by default.

In order to switch CDs in your player you need to turn the engine on and off.

Changing stations on the radio causes the seat to tilt forward, the manufacturers are aware of this problem which has now been fixed on the latest model.

Your car comes with a high-tech security system, 90% of which has to be disabled if you actually want to drive it.

Your car only comes fitted with an accelerometer; if for some reason you wish to calculate speed or fuel levels use the wing-mounted windmill or dip-stick respectively.

Despite being a right-hand drive you will still have to alter 20 settings from the default "USA" before driving.

Upon replacing the tyres, any light-fitting, or switching fuel providers; your car will auto-drive to the nearest car dealership where you will have to provide proof that you own this vehicle.

Error 1205 appears on your dashboard panel. "Your car has attempted an illegal operation using a vacant system" The operators manual provides the detail "The engine in your car assumes a non-vacant system, attempting to use the car with a vacant system will produce this error" Looking it up on the internet you find on a forum "You've run out of fuel"

Every 20,000 miles your car will start to slow down and make horrible metallic noises. An engineer will tinker with it and it'll run for a another 2,000 miles before grinding to a halt. The garage will suggest a new engine or a new car.

Your new car will look sleeker, be more comfortable to drive, have a much more powerful engine, and many extra features; but will still have a top speed and acceleration to match your old car. Oh and it'll get 10 mpg less.

Your new car now has a button-activated dashboard speedometer calibrated in rods per minute.

You no longer have to turn the engine off and on to switch CDs, but none of your old CDs will work in the new player.