Friday, March 30, 2007

A little bit of fun

A link from Invisible Top 10 Ways to Destroy the Earth quite funny, but what stalled me was

The Earth was built to last.
Now you know me I don't like unqualified statements like that so I tracked down one of the contractors, here's what he had to say.

"Oh sure that was the original intention if you look at the initial plans, no you can't see them, I mean it was all intended to be this eternal paradise according to the big boss. So what goes and happens - budget cuts. I don't know some big thing amongst the big-wigs, no I don't know - executives floating by with their noses in the air don't even see us working guys let alone tell us what's happening. Anyway all the funding gets re-allocated to save their own asses; what happened? What do I care, you want to hear this or not? Okay then.

Ah it was a beautiful plan and then we had to cut-back on a few things. Well layers for starters, we'd start with the core then wrap different types of material around it, like a gobstopper, make it resilient in case anything happens everything will just bounce off and it'll spread the resources evenly around. Well that went by the board A couple of layers with liquid pumped between them, yeah like cavity wall insulation pathetic right.

Anyway it all depends on the core, you've got to start there and I've no idea where the jokers upstairs got the subbies who supplied it, I think their boss went to school with our boss, doesn't matter it was us who'd got to make this heap of crap work. Two magnetic poles the plans called for one on each axis. Would the bloody thing rotate properly, course not 'Wrap a couple of layers around it that'll work' they said, yeah right. You know those weebles you've got 'weebles wobble, but they don't fall down' yeah? I stuck something like that in and a good kick later it started to rotate without falling over. Don't look at me like that you've got to work with what's to had. Sure we guessed that every few millennia it would just topple over, but hey we'd be on a whole other job by then.

So we'd already slapped a couple of protective layers around the core and were preparing the big outer one. I swear it'd have been cheaper to stick with the multi-layers then to pay for all the scaffolding. I found out later some berk at head office was hiring it by the day, said his plans showed completion in seven so it was more economical then hiring it by the week. You got to wonder.

Anyway so finally the outer shell is complete and on time too. Yeah okay it was a bit thinner then we would have wanted, but H&S gave it the nod so all was fine. Up comes the tanker to fill the inside and would you credit it the dozy sods in the other hemisphere had thought we'd be building the valve when we knew they were supposed to be doing it. So now we've got to punch a hole, fill it up, and refill it with left-over material; and the stuff still oozes through.

Okay major bit done time for the icing, yeah the bit you live on. Nice and smooth with, you know, the odd concavity and slope nothing major. Damn I'm glad I wasn't on that work-crew, the mess they made of that not enough material and splodges all over the place with one great big one in the middle "Not our fault the outer shell's leaking" bloody whiners. Well the water crew took one look and said in a sarcy voice 'What do you think's going to happen to all this water?' I know what's going to happen it'll collect in those depressions and all that'll be left is the great big splodge sticking out. Well they had a whine, but there were only three options, take it off and start again - yeah right; get some more material in to smooth it down- no way; or pile in more water. Water's cheap so door number three it is.

I left it after that for the detail crew, apparently they'd just started when the whole land mass started to break-up, I knew that mix was dodgy, anyway with everything just floating around the detail crew got split up and started doing their own thing on each section; buncha weirdos the lot of them I tell you. Shame that some of the big projects like the chocolate fountains and gardens of sexual ecstasy got scrapped, but hey what you've never had you're not going to miss am I right?

Ah well after we'd finished the plans were all retrospectively altered to show that's what was planned in the first place and accounting fiddled with the time frame to show it had been done to schedule, should have seen the day-rate we were on ha! Ha ha oh yeah won some awards too for 'innovative use of style' or some such nonsense they're displayed in the lobby, makes me laugh when I see them. I mean it wasn't too bad, but I wouldn't want to live there or anything."